Top 5 Weirdos Aboard A Mumbai Local

Hey people this is the sixth post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis due to a great response,this will be a regular series . Here’s the last post of the series(LINK).Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series

If you are from Mumbai(No Thane is not in Mumbai but for this post, yeah whatever), you must have traveled on those ultra modern trains which zip from one end of the city to the other without the nonsense of being traffucked on the road. Well this is the description we give to our friends who are non-Mumbaikars. Here’s a scoop on the inside tale, as I state the description of the top 5 weird idiots I found on a Mumbai Local

1. The kewl uncle

He’s that middle aged guy with a lot of hair who owns a high end smart phone and a huge tablet which he whips out even on a jam-packed Virar fast to play Subway Surfers. Never mind the fact that he sucks at it. In all probability, he’ll definitely be Gujju, with flashy formals who “oohs” and “aahs” at every jump

2.The kewl kid


Now this is the chutiya who’ll be wearing fake Beats Audio Headphones, the size of Khali’s head. Mostly in either a Che Guevara t-shirt or some cheesy pathetic lines like “I’m a stud. Problem?” They’ll play some downright disastrous music and/or talk to their friends over the phone, abusing in mostly Marathi

3.The newspaper uncle

Now this is that one guy who carries newspapers. Tons of newspapers. He’ll probably be a person who boards from Virar,Churchgate or Borivali. He’ll carry even vernacular newspapers, just to hold his title of “Newspaper man” even though he can’t read them. If you’re lucky enough that the person is carrying a sensible newspaper with content in a language you understand (No, Mumbai Mirror doesn’t count), you can try sneaking in a few peaks but be prepared for some dirty looks

4.The virgin

Every day, every hour, every train has a person who’s losing his train virginity. He’ll awkwardly paw about the compartment before he prematurely ejaculates from the compartment onto a station he never intended to get down at. These people can be recognised by their appalled expressions on climbing a Virar Fast at 6.13 PM and some extremely stupid questions like “Andheri ke baad kaunse station hai?” Or “Charni Road kis side aata hai?” Or “This seat is meant for 3 people.Char already baithen hain.WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY ADJUST?” .Oh I completely forgot the classic case where they fall asleep and wake up in exotic new lands which they haven’t even heard of like “Daisar”
5.The survivors of Corporate War
Now these are those smartasses who give the term corporate-whores a new spin altogether. They board the train as if they own it, conclude deals worth lakhs over phone calls with funny sounding Gujju accents( Try this for some entertainment- “Aye bhai!Hoon snakes par boliyo ne trann lakh” which translates to Hey Dude! I said 3 lakhs over snacks!)

They complain about the weird smells on the train. They complain about the people aboard the trains. They complain about the frequent pauses the train takes. But those idiots will never sell off that Rolex they wear to buy a car for travelling. Sigh
That’s all for now. If you liked it, so go mad with the sharing!

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Top 5 Myths About Writers Which Ain’t True

Hey people this is the fifth post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis. Here’s the last post of the series(LINK).Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series
As a writer (well sorta), I have often come across strange myths about the art of writing which make no sense whatsoever. For starters, no all of us don’t beg publishers to be kind. No, not all of us wear geek glasses. No, not all of us own typewriters.
So this week, we decided to take on the Top 5 myths about Writers which float the market but are as truthful as Lance Armstrong’s drug tests. Here we go

Everyone is a writer

Now that’s all bullshit. The market is flooded with tons of books by new authors or what I called “The Chetan Bhagat” effect. Screw 3 Mistakes, the biggest mistake of his life is that he started writing. Now everyone who can spell correctly fancies him/herself as a writer. Online, having a blog is the rage. At least we have the decency to call ourselves bloggers(but hey, we also call ourselves writers, but not exclusively).Anyway, the point remains that just like porn online and  50 Shades of Grey, the world is flooded with “writers”. Quick bit of advice. Writing 3 notes on Facebook and tagging your bestfriend ki chachi ke chachu ke bacche ki bhen doesn’t make one a writer

Writers are have exquisite grammar and a phenomenal vocabulary


Reality check. Just because we write, it doesn’t mean our vocabulary is excellent or our Grammar is impeccable. Why the hell do you think every acknowledgement note carries thanks Microsoft Word? Spell check on MS Word is amazing, fantastic, easy to use, dead helpful(okay don’t get me wrong, we’re just friends *blushes like the Hindi film hero who’s about to fall in love*). Trust me; we struggle with words as much as an average Chetan Bhagat. I still don’t remember if tomorrow is spelt with one r or two m(s). But I remember to scout for the red line under the word

All Bloggers are writers and all Writers are Bloggers

No and No. This is as absurd as calling Twillight a good book. One simply doesn’t say that. A person who writes a blog about food recipes is NOT a writer. Similarly, a writer of a newspaper column is not ipso facto a blogger. Fun piece of trivia though-George R.R. Martin, writer of the brilliant fantasy series “A Song of Ice and Fire” IS A BLOGGER. Why you ask? Well because he runs a blog.DUH


We sit all day in front of a laptop, typing away

We do not spend our day hunched over a computer or a laptop, typing away furiously to complete the latest draft, no sir. This isn’t 2005 anymore, grow up people. We own smart phones (well I own a Blackberry which I am not sure of categorising. Is it a phone or a sadistic person who disrupts each important chat with a clock that doesn’t look like one) or tablets. But most importantly, we have the pen and the paper. Ink is simply fabulous. Not to mention, it makes for some really messy stuff

We have read all the great masterpieces of history and can quote them at will
Now this is an interesting one. All writers will seemingly seem to be elite literalists or connoisseurs of Classical works. Truth is that most of them haven’t even read half of the quotes themselves. They rely on good ‘ol Google to get their stuff. So next time you read a writer who quotes Christopher Marlowe, don’t imagine an old fart who twirls his goatee while writing the piece. Imagine some random dude surfing Google, and you’ll have it.
That’s it folks, this is this week’s Saturday top 5. Share and spread the love!

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Catharsis

This is a guest post by Rafaa Dalvi who blogs at www.rafaadalvi.blogspot.in and tweets at @TheWittyKid
PS:It’s a short story!

Silence.

Pitch black darkness.

Except for a circle of blinding light in the middle of the room. And at the centre of illumination a man, chained to a platform, with electrodes all over his body.

He is naked. Stripped off all clothes.

He has ‘The Fringe’ haircut.

The silence is shattered by the steps of heavy boots as a figure steps into the light from out of the shadows. Dressed in a black cloak, he leans forward and smiles at the prisoner.

“Good evening. You can call me The Shadow. And you are looking at your downfall.”

The prisoner looks up and can see anger and hate in his eyes of his captor.

Holding up a newspaper The Shadow reads:

If you are sick and tired of watching Justin Bieber all over the place, then beware you are suffering from Bieber Fever.
So get set to learn music form the Justin Bieber School of Music, wear your love for him by buying dresses from his clothing line, get a recording deal under his music label, spend quality time with your close ones at his chain of restaurants and pit your talent against others in his reality shows.
“Justin Bieber as a brand is a ‘cute and talented’ person and wants to work hard and continue to do so,” Bieber said.
His fashion label, designed along the lines of his songs, kicks off with T-shirts that will hit the local stores soon.
Bieber will also starting his own line of salons whose branches will be opened in all the major countries.

The Shadow stares straight into the eyes of his captive.

“So Bieber, why don’t you start by telling me about this Bieber Fever— this huge conspiracy to corrupt the youth of the world? You think I don’t know that when a man or a woman buys a Bieber Tshirt, they actually sell away their souls to you? You think I am unaware that you are trying to start a new cult? That these so-called Schools of Music are nothing but devious churches whose only job is to preach that there is only one true saviour— the ‘cute and talented’ Justin Bieber? What were you going to call your followers? Your Biebs?

The prisoner tries to turn his face away as The Shadow’s words and spit hits him square in the eye.

The Shadow gives a humourless and cruel laugh.

“I am sick and I am tired of you, Bieber. Turn on the TV and it’s you. Go to any part of the world and I can hear your music blaring. I see ladies wearing revealing “One Less Lonely Girl” tops and all the rowdy low lives flirting with them singing ”Love Me”.”

Bieber smirks.

“You are a disease, Bieber. And you need to be eradicated.”

Bieber knows that The Shadow has stripped him naked and shorn him off his dignity. He realizes that his manhood (seriously?) is being silently mocked.

The smell of fear invades the room.

Bieber remains silent.

The Shadow whispers “I don’t think you understand what sort of trouble you are in, Bieber. Trust me, when I say I will send 440 volts of electricity through your “Eenie Meenie” if you continue to remain silent.”

Bieber finally breaks his silence.

“You have made a big mistake and now you will suffer for it. You have chained my hands, my legs and wired my entire body. You have even wired up my “Eenie Meenie”. However, you forgot one simple thing.”

“What the hell are you talking about? Everything has been planned meticulously by me. You are looking at your downfall.”

“No, you are. You forgot to gag me.”

Before The Shadow can react, the prisoner unleashes a blood-curdling “Baaaaaabbbbbbbbbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy“. The Shadow is flung away. Glass and wood splinter fly all over. Tongues of blue electricity leap outwards. The prisoner sings “Ohhhhhhh Baaabbbbbyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” drowning out the metallic voice in the background:

“Level 5 security breach. Facility lockdown. Quarantine process activated. Biohazard uncontained and dangerous.”

The Shadow clutches his ears in pain. His ear drums have been blasted to pieces. Blood trickles down his body.

As he drifts away into the darkness, the last thing he sees is the naked figure of ‘The Fringe’ haircut Bieber flying into freedom.

Epilogue:

The Shadow awakes. A golden gate lies ahead. A light blue cloudless sky all around. A gentle breeze. And he feels peace.
An old kind man comes upto him and says:
“My son, welcome to heaven. Peace be with you.”
The man has ‘The Fringe’ haircut. And his white gown says “Never Say Never”.

Image

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Consuming Love

This is a guest post by Vaisakhi Mishra who blogs at  http://vaisakhimishra.blogspot.in and tweets at @vishvaisakhi

In her own words, here’s who she is:

Cynic blatant but a total happy go lucky person who loves exploring various shades of colours on the canvas of life. I am an engineer who loves poems, painting, singing and photography – which currently seems to be the trend everywhere. I believe in accepting what ever life throws at me and accepting its challenges with a “watch me” attitude and guess everyday finds a new me.

She has composed a special poem as Valentine’s day nears.Here it goes

A Poem By Vaisakhi Mishra


My cold heart whimpers
For it can’t feel the glow
It’s a cracked piece of metal
For all that I know
Where lies turn to truth
It sacrificed just itself
You blamed it to be frozen
And now it has no silver help
But rosier days await you somewhere
And it flutters with the thought
Silently it sings to self
The lullaby of consuming love.
Why love can’t be simple,
Why its castle of glass falls?
What choices can we make-
When we are forced to let go.
Emptiness fills the sorrow pools
Where light mirages memories
Truly said, light is not accredited
If challenged not by darkness always.

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The Second Liebster Award Post

A few months back, I received my first Liebster and I was on Cloud 9 because honestly, I never expected another one. Yet, my comment box surprised me as a sweet,kind and wonderful blogger Himani Agarwal nominated me for my second Liebster! A huge hug to her! (http://itjusthappenandthen.blogspot.in/2013/02/presenting-leibster-award.html)

To the uninitiated, the Liebster works this way:

A Blogger is nominated by another winner.
He/She has to post 11 facts about themselves
Answer 11 questions posed by the nominator
Create 11 questions for their nominees
Finally,nominate 11 bloggers

So here it goes,

  • 11 Things About Me:

1. I’m thinner than half of USA’s population and fatter than half of Somalia’s population.
2. A Bibliophile for life( PS: Potterhead and Twillight hater)
3. Aspire to be a diplomat one day(even an International lawyer for a kickass firm works).
4. Love anything that’s a video and a huge Bollywood fan
5. Huge social networking junkie
6. I kinda have incognito entrepreneur wishes
7. Fierce debater and MUNner
8. Studying to become a lawyer
9. Deist by religious preference and believer of a Socialist Democracy
10. I often sit on the bench of an empty railway platform to just think  Got over this weird phase 🙂
11. I’ve this weird tendency to overdraw from any event that happens in my life.

  • Answer to Himani’s questions:

1. What would you name the autobiography of your life?

>>  Being average AND awesome.
2. One thing when something happened to you that you thought was bad but it turned out to be for the best?
>>The fact that I joined a rat race coaching class-cum-college for becoming an engineer but ended up shifting to the noble and amazing line of the law. Although 2011 was a horrible year, it toughened me up, showed me a whole new world, taught me the importance of friends and family. But most importantly, it taught me the golden rule ” If you are not happy about your life, no one else can be happy about it for you
3. If you could be any fictional character, who would you choose?
>>Harry Potter. Anyday.
4. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?
>> I would stay 15. Life was fun, and although I had not discovered the joys of writing, everything was perfect for me that year
5. What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
>> Folding clothes and arranging them in my wardrobe.
6. Your favorite Pick up line?
>> Not a serial womanizer yet but if I had to pick one, it definitely would be “Who’s your Daddy?”
7. The best compliment you have got till date?
>>” You know you write well and are a terrific orator. Stop being modest you ass! “
8. Honest feedback for my blog?
>>You’re writing is good and fresh. But the theme is too girly. I prefer neutral themes. But then, whatever floats your boat!
9. Blogging to you is_______
>> Exhilarating relaxation and an amalgam of out poured pent-up feelings.

10. What was your last facebook status update?
>>If in your life if you ever read a T&C (pretty sure you didn’t), using iTunes to build nuclear weapons is against their terms of service xD
11. What is the most difficult question for you to answer?
>> Melody itni chocolaty kyun hai? *I personally hate Melody*

  • My nominees: 

A slight departure from usual tradition.I’m quite embarrassed to say that I’m not very vociferous blog reader. So apart from my previous nominees, I have no one else to name 😦 It breaks my heart to conclude this award chain here. Sincere apologies

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Sacred Sorcery

This is a guest post by Paloma Sharma.She’s one of the most wittiest,sarcastic,political and satire loving blogger I’ve ever met.She’s one hell of a writer and blogs at her own blog Going Bananas(LINK)(LINK TO THIS POST). Also,here’s her Twitter handle @PalomaSharma(https://twitter.com/PalomaSharma)

Ensnared am I
By the midnight locks,
Tangled in their luminous darkness,
And tighter and tighter
When they close around my neck,
That is when I truly breathe.

Appalled am I,
Filled with aching wonderment,
Of such cruelty disguised
Under honey colored eyes,
And their heartless enchantment
Leaves me to fend for myself.

“Do not mock me so!”
“Do not plague me so!”
Unheard, vexed and tantalized
This slovenly wordsmith must realize,
That you are the idea,
That I am enslaved to.

Colorless, the world is,
Its naïviety is surprising,
It has turned dull and repulsive
Out of jealous despair,
That it couldn’t compare
To you.

What might you be?
An incubus? A dream?
A product of sacred sorcery
Arisen from ash and rosary?
This infidel’s sanctity
Lies below your pedestal.

Who am I
To malign your halo
And liken your name
To that which is wordly and cheap?
Yet, the fault is not mine,
It is you who remains peerless.

“Do not possess me so!”
So ruthlessly do not mesmerize,
The mightier you are, the smaller am I –
An illusion spawned by my mind,
So I cut loose to salvage my pride,
My actions, so futile.

Lost am I,
Bound by the leash of my ego,
Seeking separation from my source,
But where am I to go?
How do I remove me from your entirety?
Alas! I am imprisoned.

Yet, nothing contains you,
Nothing controls you,
Nothing else liberates me,
Be kind
Have mercy
Do not undo my bonds.

That light you are,
That blazing glory at the other end
Of the dark tunnel I’m running in,
This unending black passage,
Perhaps I will never cross it,
Perhaps I will never burn in the flame.

Yet, I run,
I try,
Desperate to make it
At the cost of everything.
Why?

Because:
I kneel,
I bow,
I submit, I submit, I submit.

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The Reality Of The Queer Prejudice-A QnA with Harish Iyer

India is emerging as a nation.But unfortunately,our mentality,our society and the guarantee of freedom and human rights has fallen behind the pace.Although,judicially, the 2010 judgement was a landmark, but our minds have not broken past all of it.In a frank one to one,Harish Iyer, an openly gay person and queer community activist tells us his views.

1.There a lot of misconceptions about the current legal rights of the Queer community. What’s the ground reality?

Section 377 of the indian penal code criminalised carnal intercourse between two individuals that was against the order of nature. This was quite ambiguous as “order of nature” could be interpreted in different ways.

This law was used against homosexuals as they practice oral and anal sex. The view was that sex against the law of nature was prohibited any sex that’s non-procreative could be unnatural. Which is totally untrue.The Delhi high court read down section 377 saying that any sex between two consenting adult individuals in private is not unlawful. The key words are ‘consensual’, ‘private’ and ‘adult’. It basically goes on to say that the state or the law has nothing to do with what two adults willingly do in their bedrooms.
Now the big doubt was – is section 377 only read down in Delhi. Well, since it makes an amend in the IPC, it would be valid throughout india. So if there is a section 377 case in say Bombay, the delhi judgement can be quoted here. 
It was never illegal to love in India. The problem was with making love. 

2.I would be blind if I say the prejudice is over. You constantly receive bigoted emails and tweets. Your take on this?
Some people are curious about my sex life. I think I must be doing something really well at that, that it makes them so curious and jealous 🙂
Well, on a serious note, yes prejudice does exist, and its time to look at people eye-to-eye. Every single person who walks out of the closet, is an inspiration for another.
I feel we like to “excavate” things that are hidden. I have nothing to hide, they have nothing more to dig. 🙂

3.Acceptance in conservative societies,including ours, is next to impossible. Especially in the older generations.How do you spread awareness about homosexuality?

Who said acceptance is impossible. I am in India. I am out to everyone right from my Gangu bai and rickshaw driver to everyone at work. They might not come out in acceptance like a typical Karan Johar flick, but they do have latent acceptance. Or rather have complete disregard for my sexuality, which is good.

4.Beside being an icon to the Queer community,you’re an active social reformer. What’s your current and next project?

LGBTIQ rights is just one of the battles for equal human rights. I don’t know if I am an icon, I am but definitely someone who would not suffer in silence. Or for that matter watch something go wrong and be a silent bystander.
I act from my heart. And I don’t meticulously plan my causes. I erupt whenever there in crises. Presently I am doing my usual sessions with survivors of child sexual abuse.

5.If you were to write a paragraph about yourself, it would read….

The man who Dreams a new dream, for the old one is now a reality”

6.Something you simply can’t say no to

Facebook. (I’m a social media whore)
7.Someone you can’t say no to
Hardly anyone. If I have to say no, I will say no.

8.As an blogger, what role do you think blogs play in current social dynamics?

They help you think. They seed a thought in your mind that no book could. They are personal. And they have a personality. Blogs are thought-influencing. Blogs are humans too.

9.Lastly, an advice to our readers.

Tolerance is the word. You need not like me. But you need to learn to co exist with someone who is different.
Thoughts become things. So keep documenting your thoughts.
Born free – blog free.

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