Top 5 Ways To Distinguish Non-Mumbaikars on Locals

Hey people! This is the ninth post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self-explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis due to a great response,this will be a regular series. Here’s the last post of the series (LINK). Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series

Mumbai locals are the lifeline of this magnificent city. No one can survive without them. But unlike most other things in the city, the Mumbai Locals are less accepting then this overflowing pot of mixing culture. You see, there are multiple unspoken rules and regulations which are too sacred to be broken. Yet some people do it daily. We call them Non-Mumbaikars because it is simply impossible for a Mumbaikar to not know these things. So call them Dilli ke launde or too cool for the humidity Bangaloreans, sorry Bengalurueans, I point out 5 ways to catch these odd ones out in the pool.


1.They never know which station is on which side


Dead giveaway. A Mumbaikar always knows which station is on which side and accordingly plans his relative position inside the compartment. I mean which idiot will get on a train at Goregaon during peak hours and then try to reach the seats, knowing that he or she has to get down at Andheri? Hint: The idiot calls Pani puri “Gol Gappe” and complains about humidity.


2. They get on a 8.17 Fast and ask “Aaj bheed zzyada hai na?”


Yes. These people exist. They climb aboard a 8:17 Virar Fast and ask in slightly suffocated(trust me, given the sweaty armpits, the awkward Statue of Liberty like positions and the desperate scramble for holding on to anything while the train moves, “slightly” is a blessing) “Aaj bheed zzyada hai na?”. Only a non-Mumbaikar is capable of this. This and trying to get off at Andheri on a Virar Fast.


3. Their bags are on their backs and not on their front, baby carrying style


Who doesn’t do this? Everyone knows that bags on front is the most efficient way of protecting your valuables from getting damaged or stolen. Plus you can use them as battering rams when you bulldoze through the crowd to scramble on to the train. This point does come with a caveat though. I like to call it the ” Experienced Uncle Variable”. A passenger may carry his backpack on his back if his EUV value is over 20 according to the following formula:
EUV= (Number of stations traveled daily X Number of years of regular local use)/The class of your compartment

For example a person who has been commuting from Kandivali to Andheri for the past 10 years in a second class compartment has an EUV of 25( 5*10/2). So this guy can carry a bag on his back, he has earned it over the years. I bet he’ll have train buddies on his usual train and route who’ll actually even pull him,and his bag in.

4.They get paranoid about not being able to get down


If these poor souls somehow manage to get on the train,they somehow are paranoid about not being able to get down.They start sweating and panicking on seeing the crowd.They start chanting prayers and curses,both with equal fervour. A true Bambai wala never bothers with all this. He puts on his earphones,awkardly paws around for his phone in his pocket,desperately trying to not touch the person around him’s ass, but never sweats about not being able to get down. Abbey funda simple hai. One station before you get down,ask the guy in front of you if he’ll get down at that particular station or not. If he isn’t, just push ahead towards the door bro! If he is,do it anyway 😛


5.They never get off or on to a moving train


Lastly, one of the key differences. Non Mumbaikars are absolutely terrified of getting or off a moving train. Absolutely petrified. “Pagal hai kya!” is their reaction.They wait for the train to come to a complete hault while the entire compartment pushes past them and get off. In fact by the time the train stops,half the people have already got in and most of the people who wanted to alight have done so already. Again a simple law will guarantee safety in such matters. All you have to do is get down in the direction in which the train is moving and keep running for a few steps. Same for climbing aboard.


Well folks, that’s it for this time. Sorry if this post didn’t live up to your expectations, a better one shall be up next week.

Top 5 Weirdos Aboard A Mumbai Local

Hey people this is the sixth post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis due to a great response,this will be a regular series . Here’s the last post of the series(LINK).Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series

If you are from Mumbai(No Thane is not in Mumbai but for this post, yeah whatever), you must have traveled on those ultra modern trains which zip from one end of the city to the other without the nonsense of being traffucked on the road. Well this is the description we give to our friends who are non-Mumbaikars. Here’s a scoop on the inside tale, as I state the description of the top 5 weird idiots I found on a Mumbai Local

1. The kewl uncle

He’s that middle aged guy with a lot of hair who owns a high end smart phone and a huge tablet which he whips out even on a jam-packed Virar fast to play Subway Surfers. Never mind the fact that he sucks at it. In all probability, he’ll definitely be Gujju, with flashy formals who “oohs” and “aahs” at every jump

2.The kewl kid


Now this is the chutiya who’ll be wearing fake Beats Audio Headphones, the size of Khali’s head. Mostly in either a Che Guevara t-shirt or some cheesy pathetic lines like “I’m a stud. Problem?” They’ll play some downright disastrous music and/or talk to their friends over the phone, abusing in mostly Marathi

3.The newspaper uncle

Now this is that one guy who carries newspapers. Tons of newspapers. He’ll probably be a person who boards from Virar,Churchgate or Borivali. He’ll carry even vernacular newspapers, just to hold his title of “Newspaper man” even though he can’t read them. If you’re lucky enough that the person is carrying a sensible newspaper with content in a language you understand (No, Mumbai Mirror doesn’t count), you can try sneaking in a few peaks but be prepared for some dirty looks

4.The virgin

Every day, every hour, every train has a person who’s losing his train virginity. He’ll awkwardly paw about the compartment before he prematurely ejaculates from the compartment onto a station he never intended to get down at. These people can be recognised by their appalled expressions on climbing a Virar Fast at 6.13 PM and some extremely stupid questions like “Andheri ke baad kaunse station hai?” Or “Charni Road kis side aata hai?” Or “This seat is meant for 3 people.Char already baithen hain.WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY ADJUST?” .Oh I completely forgot the classic case where they fall asleep and wake up in exotic new lands which they haven’t even heard of like “Daisar”
5.The survivors of Corporate War
Now these are those smartasses who give the term corporate-whores a new spin altogether. They board the train as if they own it, conclude deals worth lakhs over phone calls with funny sounding Gujju accents( Try this for some entertainment- “Aye bhai!Hoon snakes par boliyo ne trann lakh” which translates to Hey Dude! I said 3 lakhs over snacks!)

They complain about the weird smells on the train. They complain about the people aboard the trains. They complain about the frequent pauses the train takes. But those idiots will never sell off that Rolex they wear to buy a car for travelling. Sigh
That’s all for now. If you liked it, so go mad with the sharing!

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Top 5 Ways To Ignore People On Whatsapp

Hey people I’ve decided to start a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis. Here’s the first post of the series.Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series

Top 5 Ways To Ignore People On Whatsapp

Whiny Stalker MemeWith the advent of smart phones, the communications industry has taken a weird turn. As much as customers love free chat services, their annoyance is nearly the same. Just think about it. How many BBM status messages have sparked off controversies? How many times has the privacy invading “Last Seen At” feature lead to World War 3 like situations among friends, best friends, stalkers and stalkees alike? The option to ignore is nearly dead and it is in such desperate times, I sat down and devised a list of top 5 ways to ignore people on Whatsapp:

1. Shift to Viber or WeChat

Before you dismiss me as a sponsored reviewer, let me just add that these services are damn mediocre and as I typed this article on a Blackberry, please understand and sympathize when I say “GO BBM!”
That being said, these services are free and have added animated stickers/emoticons as well. Add the lack of “last seen at” feature, and we have a decent deal

2. Tell everyone you meet that your Whatsapp app is malfunctioning

Well you can come up with a tragic story how you had a controversial moment with your parents when Whatsapp showed that you were online at 3 AM while you slept at 11. Okay even if this didn’t happen, it’s a pretty good alibi to feed to stalkers or annoying friends. How am I sure that this will work? Well it will because among all their many irritating qualities, one respectable and ironically creepy trait they posses is that he/she will always remember everything about you. So you can easily pawn off your high level of ignoring them on your proverbial “Stupid phone” and end it nicely with an “I REALLY NEED TO GET AN IPHONE”

3. Stay online all the time

This is something I recommend for people with really amazing phones. The ones with those glossy 1.6576347537 GHZ processors and stuff. Just leave Whatsapp on forever and leave it at that. You’ll be online 24/7(even when you take that long dump after last night’s Chole Bhature).Sure you’ll lose battery faster than Sreesanth saying Yes to bowl a no ball for an ice-cream and yes, your internet bill will give your parents a small cardiac arrest, but on the plus side, you can freely ignore people without a single drop of sweat!

4. Be sad when confronted

Meme about capital lettersOkay this one really pans out for the sentiones. When someone gets angry over you ignoring them on Whatsapp(NOTE: Signs include capitalization of words and usage of the angry face smiley, not talking smiley and other 13 year old teen anger stuff), all you have to do is invent a problem and you’re golden. You can even pretend that you were crying or were nursing a friend’s heartbreak or any other nonsense. I know it sounds on the border of narcissism but it does work. Try being whiny as well. Nothing turns away clingy people better than whining. Well that is if we don’t include “Don’t shower for a week and giving them a hug after three hours of sweaty workout”
5. Karela Law them

Now let’s set a landmark moment in history. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the biggest thing to happen this millennia after the death of George Carlin (check him out if you haven’t. A true genius), the KARELA LAW. Well the law, in all its elegance is inspired from Barney’s Lemon Law and reads as

“Ignorance or feigning of the afore mentioned emotion on chat services with regard to messages or any communication attempts by a person with another person shall be deemed socially acceptable with the simple mention of the Karela Law. Any arguments, fights, break-ups or other violence* inducing activities shall not gain basis in Karela Law situations”

*violence includes mental, physical, spiritual and all other kind of things Hitler would do. Or Gandhi won’t. Take your pick

Why the name Karela Law you ask? Well it had to be named analogous to the Lemon Law so I decided on Karela. For heaven’s sake, it’s irritatingly bitter
Okay folks, got to run now, I need to update my Whatsapp status to “Writing a blog post” because the Apocalypse will hit the world if I don’t tell my contact list that I am writing a blog post and the world will collapse.

Tired.Just Tired

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Smart Guy With Just A Phone

NOTE: This article was written by me for Whackk(http://whackk.com/wickked/2012/12/29/smart-guy-just-phone)

You know that one tiny little strand which holds your life together while bonding and structuring your entire universe? Chances are you’re not thinking about what I am thinking, because screw love, I was talking about that smartphone you own and in a 33% probability, are reading this on.
This article is not to vent about how cell phones have become a vital part of our lives nor is it about how its proximity to certain parts for a prolonged period causes infertility.No sir! This is an exhumed narrative of how I met my phone after a week,and the 7 things I observed in those 7 days. Ain’t it Quite smart of me right? If you noticed, this sentence had 7 words, CONSPIRACY, if you ask me!
Anyway, for the rest of this to make sense, here’s what happened : I am an owner of a Blackberry Curve 9360 who’s trackpad malfunctioned and took a week to repair. During this period, I was using a Nokia Supernova 7210 without the Internet facilities activated. In all honesty (probably not), I observed the following in the hopes for a Nobel. Alas, the rejection letter from Stockholm still hurts.
All that aside, here are my notes:

1. The most obvious-no distractions

Okay this is straight out of “Mother of a Teenager” by Frustrated Mom (surprisingly untraceable author, I wonder why). Guess all our parents weren’t lying when they said that a mobile phone is pretty distracting. For the first few days, my eyes inadvertently kept searching for that blinking LED notification as I hopelessly awaited my phone’s arrival. So, first thing first, NO DISTRACTIONS while you do anything. No more missing out on that awesome scene because you were replying to an important email, finally a half-hour study session runs one lap without interruption and such similar joys.

2. Rediscovering the joy of calls

With the rise in mobile internet, app-based smartphones and of course, a homo sapiens’ busy little life, cell phones are used for all purposes except calling. It starts with that tiny pang of saving time as well as money by Whatsapping instead of calling and before you know it, your last dialed numbers differ by dates. My point remains – calls are super fun,and it’s way more amazing to laugh together with your friend over the phone rather than sending a “=D”

3. Twitter de-addiction

Not everyone has this particular issue,but about 500 million worldwide do. The super addictive micro-blogging website has taken the world by a mighty roar, and has many on its hook (I still can’t get #uberawesome to trend). Yet, Twitter is something that requires constant updates, mostly through a mobile device. So when I lost my phone and used a replacement without internet, this marijuana like website finally let me off the hook.

4. Bring the iPod and those books out from the closet

In their lure for more markets, mobile phone manufacturers have started bundling almost everything into a cell phone. The most disastrous things being the music player and e-book reader apps. Not that there’s anything wrong, but they’ve rendered the iPods, MP3 players and the thing that hurt me the most, books redundant. Not that it was a complete overhaul yet when I heard Cat Stevens on my iPod while reading my musty old tome of Jeffery Archer’s A Prisoner of Birth, the feeling was way better than reading it on my screen with some lousy sound I try to pass off as actual music.

5. Escaping that disease where you think your phone rings all the time

Ringxiety is the syndrome when you think your phone is ringing when it really isn’t.Needless to say, all of us suffer from it and somehow this week rids you of it! No medication, completely free and no side-effects!

6. Conversations are REALLY interesting

Ever paused your important-than-thou (yes I make up words,I’m aware of that) text-chat and lifted your head to join the dinner table conversation? Yes, a world of information exists outside the internet too and almost everyone has something to say (not that it may be sensible, I mean HELLO RAKHI SAWANT!) Conversations around you are more interesting than anything else. So I spent this week eavesdropping on aunties complaining about their kids, nodding at uncles speculating the next day’s Sensex trend and fighting with people over Imam’s latest Big Boss outburst.

7. The Internet’s back where it belonged

Lastly and in a not so cliché way,the least stupid observation – The Internet was originally meant to be an inter connected network of computers to access information and consolidate knowledge.With the emergence of mobile phones, WiFi capable MP3 players, Kindles etc the focus shifted. Deny it as much as you want to, but a website ALWAYS looks, functions and dazzles better on a computer screen rather than the miserly screen of your mobile.
A week later, I got my Curve 9360 back and I was back to my old ways, ignoring all these observations I noted. Yet, the only tiny hope it gave me that my teacher reduced my insult phrase from “mobile mein ghuse rehte ho” to “bas phone pe gappe lagate rehte ho“. Yay for me!
Sent on my BlackBerry® from Vodafone

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