Top 5 Ways To Distinguish Non-Mumbaikars on Locals

Hey people! This is the ninth post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self-explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis due to a great response,this will be a regular series. Here’s the last post of the series (LINK). Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series

Mumbai locals are the lifeline of this magnificent city. No one can survive without them. But unlike most other things in the city, the Mumbai Locals are less accepting then this overflowing pot of mixing culture. You see, there are multiple unspoken rules and regulations which are too sacred to be broken. Yet some people do it daily. We call them Non-Mumbaikars because it is simply impossible for a Mumbaikar to not know these things. So call them Dilli ke launde or too cool for the humidity Bangaloreans, sorry Bengalurueans, I point out 5 ways to catch these odd ones out in the pool.


1.They never know which station is on which side


Dead giveaway. A Mumbaikar always knows which station is on which side and accordingly plans his relative position inside the compartment. I mean which idiot will get on a train at Goregaon during peak hours and then try to reach the seats, knowing that he or she has to get down at Andheri? Hint: The idiot calls Pani puri “Gol Gappe” and complains about humidity.


2. They get on a 8.17 Fast and ask “Aaj bheed zzyada hai na?”


Yes. These people exist. They climb aboard a 8:17 Virar Fast and ask in slightly suffocated(trust me, given the sweaty armpits, the awkward Statue of Liberty like positions and the desperate scramble for holding on to anything while the train moves, “slightly” is a blessing) “Aaj bheed zzyada hai na?”. Only a non-Mumbaikar is capable of this. This and trying to get off at Andheri on a Virar Fast.


3. Their bags are on their backs and not on their front, baby carrying style


Who doesn’t do this? Everyone knows that bags on front is the most efficient way of protecting your valuables from getting damaged or stolen. Plus you can use them as battering rams when you bulldoze through the crowd to scramble on to the train. This point does come with a caveat though. I like to call it the ” Experienced Uncle Variable”. A passenger may carry his backpack on his back if his EUV value is over 20 according to the following formula:
EUV= (Number of stations traveled daily X Number of years of regular local use)/The class of your compartment

For example a person who has been commuting from Kandivali to Andheri for the past 10 years in a second class compartment has an EUV of 25( 5*10/2). So this guy can carry a bag on his back, he has earned it over the years. I bet he’ll have train buddies on his usual train and route who’ll actually even pull him,and his bag in.

4.They get paranoid about not being able to get down


If these poor souls somehow manage to get on the train,they somehow are paranoid about not being able to get down.They start sweating and panicking on seeing the crowd.They start chanting prayers and curses,both with equal fervour. A true Bambai wala never bothers with all this. He puts on his earphones,awkardly paws around for his phone in his pocket,desperately trying to not touch the person around him’s ass, but never sweats about not being able to get down. Abbey funda simple hai. One station before you get down,ask the guy in front of you if he’ll get down at that particular station or not. If he isn’t, just push ahead towards the door bro! If he is,do it anyway 😛


5.They never get off or on to a moving train


Lastly, one of the key differences. Non Mumbaikars are absolutely terrified of getting or off a moving train. Absolutely petrified. “Pagal hai kya!” is their reaction.They wait for the train to come to a complete hault while the entire compartment pushes past them and get off. In fact by the time the train stops,half the people have already got in and most of the people who wanted to alight have done so already. Again a simple law will guarantee safety in such matters. All you have to do is get down in the direction in which the train is moving and keep running for a few steps. Same for climbing aboard.


Well folks, that’s it for this time. Sorry if this post didn’t live up to your expectations, a better one shall be up next week.

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Top 5 idiots on Mumbai’s Roads

Hey people this is the sixth post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis due to a great response,this will be a regular series . Here’s the last post of the series(LINK).Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series

Well I recently turned 18 and along with the fact that I have a choice to choose which person loots my constituency for the next 5 years, I started with driving lessons. Now as a kid,I always made fun of Learners, making the L sign on my forehead as they nervously drove by,shouting “Loser Loser”(before you let your imagination run,I did this when I was 6,not 16.Well except that once )

But the biggest shock that hits you when you get behind those wheels,is the quality of drivers on our roads.It’s as if the traffic rules are like India’s football team i.e. existent and working on paper only. Even among this wide set of douchebags, I bring to you 5 of the biggest idiots you’re bound to find on India’s roads:

1.The sabzi buying aunty

She’s every driver’s nightmare. The typical Indian aunty who can scare the wits out of anyone anywhere and the biggest enemy of vegetable vendors. She can be found strolling on the middle of SV road(near fruit and vegetable markets mostly) with 3 bags of purchases and 4 bags of the free dhania she siphoned off from a poor soul whom she ironically calls Bhaiyaji. Oh! How can I forget? She loves doing this when the signal is green because crossing the street when the signal is red, is too mainstream. *sigh*

2.The slant parking wala
This is one person who takes Juhi Chawla’s “Taedha hai par mera hai” too seriously. They’re infamous for blocking narrow streets by parking their vehicle in weird positions. Diagonally with the road is their favourite. That’s not even the worst part. They take their own sweet time to do anything may it be sipping the last few drops of tea to reversing their car with the mandatory grouch as if they’re doing a favour to the world by returning back to sanity.

3. The giggling girls

Now you have this gaggle of girls who always walk in groups (or as I call it, the vixens travel in a pack). They’re lost in their own world of gossip and other useless nonsense. But I kinda get it. I mean who cares about the freaking huge car that is honking at you for the past 5 minutes when you’re regaling in mock horror at how Geeta wore a revealing dress at Samita’s party while you secretly want to ask where your co-gossiper got her nails done but won’t because it is not courteous. It’s a tough job being a gossipy girl,believe you me

4.The “always in a hurry” uncle

There’s always this guy who’s in a rush. Seriously. Mostly found having a laptop bag slung over one shoulder even when the bag is empty, because they want to show the world that they have a bag which can carry a laptop. These idiots don’t walk, but rather sprint. They keep bumping into cars even at snail-like speeds of 10 KM/hr. (I say this out of a pure observation and not my particular hatred towards a community in particular, but 99% of the time, he’ll be Gujju)
5. The douche with a kickass car

Everyone knows this one rich,overspoilt brat who owns that dream car you drool over.These idiots tend to assume that the law is in their pocket and the streets are what colloquially are known as, his/her’s “baap ka maal“. They drive without any regard for anyone else on the road at speeds which would make Usain Bolt blush.They are primarily responsible for 90% of the explicits you shout at the road and 100% of your Mom’s “aaj kal ki generation…” lectures.

Well people that’s all for now.Auf Weidersehen!

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Top 5 Weirdos Aboard A Mumbai Local

Hey people this is the sixth post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis due to a great response,this will be a regular series . Here’s the last post of the series(LINK).Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series

If you are from Mumbai(No Thane is not in Mumbai but for this post, yeah whatever), you must have traveled on those ultra modern trains which zip from one end of the city to the other without the nonsense of being traffucked on the road. Well this is the description we give to our friends who are non-Mumbaikars. Here’s a scoop on the inside tale, as I state the description of the top 5 weird idiots I found on a Mumbai Local

1. The kewl uncle

He’s that middle aged guy with a lot of hair who owns a high end smart phone and a huge tablet which he whips out even on a jam-packed Virar fast to play Subway Surfers. Never mind the fact that he sucks at it. In all probability, he’ll definitely be Gujju, with flashy formals who “oohs” and “aahs” at every jump

2.The kewl kid


Now this is the chutiya who’ll be wearing fake Beats Audio Headphones, the size of Khali’s head. Mostly in either a Che Guevara t-shirt or some cheesy pathetic lines like “I’m a stud. Problem?” They’ll play some downright disastrous music and/or talk to their friends over the phone, abusing in mostly Marathi

3.The newspaper uncle

Now this is that one guy who carries newspapers. Tons of newspapers. He’ll probably be a person who boards from Virar,Churchgate or Borivali. He’ll carry even vernacular newspapers, just to hold his title of “Newspaper man” even though he can’t read them. If you’re lucky enough that the person is carrying a sensible newspaper with content in a language you understand (No, Mumbai Mirror doesn’t count), you can try sneaking in a few peaks but be prepared for some dirty looks

4.The virgin

Every day, every hour, every train has a person who’s losing his train virginity. He’ll awkwardly paw about the compartment before he prematurely ejaculates from the compartment onto a station he never intended to get down at. These people can be recognised by their appalled expressions on climbing a Virar Fast at 6.13 PM and some extremely stupid questions like “Andheri ke baad kaunse station hai?” Or “Charni Road kis side aata hai?” Or “This seat is meant for 3 people.Char already baithen hain.WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY ADJUST?” .Oh I completely forgot the classic case where they fall asleep and wake up in exotic new lands which they haven’t even heard of like “Daisar”
5.The survivors of Corporate War
Now these are those smartasses who give the term corporate-whores a new spin altogether. They board the train as if they own it, conclude deals worth lakhs over phone calls with funny sounding Gujju accents( Try this for some entertainment- “Aye bhai!Hoon snakes par boliyo ne trann lakh” which translates to Hey Dude! I said 3 lakhs over snacks!)

They complain about the weird smells on the train. They complain about the people aboard the trains. They complain about the frequent pauses the train takes. But those idiots will never sell off that Rolex they wear to buy a car for travelling. Sigh
That’s all for now. If you liked it, so go mad with the sharing!

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