Top 5 Ways To Distinguish Non-Mumbaikars on Locals

Hey people! This is the ninth post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self-explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis due to a great response,this will be a regular series. Here’s the last post of the series (LINK). Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series

Mumbai locals are the lifeline of this magnificent city. No one can survive without them. But unlike most other things in the city, the Mumbai Locals are less accepting then this overflowing pot of mixing culture. You see, there are multiple unspoken rules and regulations which are too sacred to be broken. Yet some people do it daily. We call them Non-Mumbaikars because it is simply impossible for a Mumbaikar to not know these things. So call them Dilli ke launde or too cool for the humidity Bangaloreans, sorry Bengalurueans, I point out 5 ways to catch these odd ones out in the pool.


1.They never know which station is on which side


Dead giveaway. A Mumbaikar always knows which station is on which side and accordingly plans his relative position inside the compartment. I mean which idiot will get on a train at Goregaon during peak hours and then try to reach the seats, knowing that he or she has to get down at Andheri? Hint: The idiot calls Pani puri “Gol Gappe” and complains about humidity.


2. They get on a 8.17 Fast and ask “Aaj bheed zzyada hai na?”


Yes. These people exist. They climb aboard a 8:17 Virar Fast and ask in slightly suffocated(trust me, given the sweaty armpits, the awkward Statue of Liberty like positions and the desperate scramble for holding on to anything while the train moves, “slightly” is a blessing) “Aaj bheed zzyada hai na?”. Only a non-Mumbaikar is capable of this. This and trying to get off at Andheri on a Virar Fast.


3. Their bags are on their backs and not on their front, baby carrying style


Who doesn’t do this? Everyone knows that bags on front is the most efficient way of protecting your valuables from getting damaged or stolen. Plus you can use them as battering rams when you bulldoze through the crowd to scramble on to the train. This point does come with a caveat though. I like to call it the ” Experienced Uncle Variable”. A passenger may carry his backpack on his back if his EUV value is over 20 according to the following formula:
EUV= (Number of stations traveled daily X Number of years of regular local use)/The class of your compartment

For example a person who has been commuting from Kandivali to Andheri for the past 10 years in a second class compartment has an EUV of 25( 5*10/2). So this guy can carry a bag on his back, he has earned it over the years. I bet he’ll have train buddies on his usual train and route who’ll actually even pull him,and his bag in.

4.They get paranoid about not being able to get down


If these poor souls somehow manage to get on the train,they somehow are paranoid about not being able to get down.They start sweating and panicking on seeing the crowd.They start chanting prayers and curses,both with equal fervour. A true Bambai wala never bothers with all this. He puts on his earphones,awkardly paws around for his phone in his pocket,desperately trying to not touch the person around him’s ass, but never sweats about not being able to get down. Abbey funda simple hai. One station before you get down,ask the guy in front of you if he’ll get down at that particular station or not. If he isn’t, just push ahead towards the door bro! If he is,do it anyway 😛


5.They never get off or on to a moving train


Lastly, one of the key differences. Non Mumbaikars are absolutely terrified of getting or off a moving train. Absolutely petrified. “Pagal hai kya!” is their reaction.They wait for the train to come to a complete hault while the entire compartment pushes past them and get off. In fact by the time the train stops,half the people have already got in and most of the people who wanted to alight have done so already. Again a simple law will guarantee safety in such matters. All you have to do is get down in the direction in which the train is moving and keep running for a few steps. Same for climbing aboard.


Well folks, that’s it for this time. Sorry if this post didn’t live up to your expectations, a better one shall be up next week.

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Top 5 Law School Clichés (as seen by a first year)

NOTE: This piece was written by me for the 5th issue of Audi Alteram Partem, NLU Delhi’s college magazine. Attached below the article is a snapshot of the piece as it was published.

People this is the eighth post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis due to a great response,this will be a regular series . Here’s the last post of the series(LINK).Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series

For a first year, law school can be an overwhelming experience at first. The unfamiliar new terrain full of endless possibilities with high benchmarks set by the senior batches both inspire and intimidate us. However, in the midst of this all, all of us start hearing stories. We hear tales of a particular senior invading the fairer sex’s hostel; we hear tales of a certain batch being the geekiest batch the college has; we hear tales of how a particular party went CRAZY and we also hear tales of Profs. Failing students to rejoice at their misery. However, the problem is that, only a few of them are true, and the ones that are actually true, are glaringly obvious. They become a “cliché” as per se, and here I present to you, the top 5 clichés a first year student at NLU Delhi sees, hears or experiences.

1. Tales of the IMS being a bloodbath

By the time you pass out from NLUD, the number of world wars in your history books increases to 7. The first two and then the 5 Internal Moot Selections one goes through. I haven’t had the supposed misfortune of experiencing one but as most seniors put it, it is going to be a “blood bath”

2. Everyone has a “caught with guava juice” story

Every senior you bump into has had one or more incident(s) where he or she has been caught, to put delicately, in a state one reaches after excessive consumption of “guava juice”. Dislocated shoulders, chairs stolen from Judicial hostels, they never seem to end.

3. Dominos on Wednesday

Yeah we are as rich as Richie Rich but all of us love to exploit the Buy One get One free offer. Proof, the Dominos delivery guy who is seen standing right outside the main gate,almost all the time on Wednesday.

4. The Gande Joke Guy from every batch

Each batch has that one person who will crack jokes which will make you demand death and an escape from this world just to get away from such sadness. For example, shouting “Room ka lock nahin mila toh Hobbes laga doh”

NOTE:I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT claim any responsibility for any actions carried out on you for narrating this joke to anyone including being thrown in the toilet for 20 minutes.

5.The involved in everything guy

From DPRP to Debating, from Legal Aid to late night philosophy lectures, every batch has that one guy who will do everything the college has to offer. Acad leaves are his pals and extra classes on Saturday are his bitch. He’ll know about everything that’s happening except the name of the Act the Prof. is discussing in class.

Top 5 idiots on Mumbai’s Roads

Hey people this is the sixth post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis due to a great response,this will be a regular series . Here’s the last post of the series(LINK).Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series

Well I recently turned 18 and along with the fact that I have a choice to choose which person loots my constituency for the next 5 years, I started with driving lessons. Now as a kid,I always made fun of Learners, making the L sign on my forehead as they nervously drove by,shouting “Loser Loser”(before you let your imagination run,I did this when I was 6,not 16.Well except that once )

But the biggest shock that hits you when you get behind those wheels,is the quality of drivers on our roads.It’s as if the traffic rules are like India’s football team i.e. existent and working on paper only. Even among this wide set of douchebags, I bring to you 5 of the biggest idiots you’re bound to find on India’s roads:

1.The sabzi buying aunty

She’s every driver’s nightmare. The typical Indian aunty who can scare the wits out of anyone anywhere and the biggest enemy of vegetable vendors. She can be found strolling on the middle of SV road(near fruit and vegetable markets mostly) with 3 bags of purchases and 4 bags of the free dhania she siphoned off from a poor soul whom she ironically calls Bhaiyaji. Oh! How can I forget? She loves doing this when the signal is green because crossing the street when the signal is red, is too mainstream. *sigh*

2.The slant parking wala
This is one person who takes Juhi Chawla’s “Taedha hai par mera hai” too seriously. They’re infamous for blocking narrow streets by parking their vehicle in weird positions. Diagonally with the road is their favourite. That’s not even the worst part. They take their own sweet time to do anything may it be sipping the last few drops of tea to reversing their car with the mandatory grouch as if they’re doing a favour to the world by returning back to sanity.

3. The giggling girls

Now you have this gaggle of girls who always walk in groups (or as I call it, the vixens travel in a pack). They’re lost in their own world of gossip and other useless nonsense. But I kinda get it. I mean who cares about the freaking huge car that is honking at you for the past 5 minutes when you’re regaling in mock horror at how Geeta wore a revealing dress at Samita’s party while you secretly want to ask where your co-gossiper got her nails done but won’t because it is not courteous. It’s a tough job being a gossipy girl,believe you me

4.The “always in a hurry” uncle

There’s always this guy who’s in a rush. Seriously. Mostly found having a laptop bag slung over one shoulder even when the bag is empty, because they want to show the world that they have a bag which can carry a laptop. These idiots don’t walk, but rather sprint. They keep bumping into cars even at snail-like speeds of 10 KM/hr. (I say this out of a pure observation and not my particular hatred towards a community in particular, but 99% of the time, he’ll be Gujju)
5. The douche with a kickass car

Everyone knows this one rich,overspoilt brat who owns that dream car you drool over.These idiots tend to assume that the law is in their pocket and the streets are what colloquially are known as, his/her’s “baap ka maal“. They drive without any regard for anyone else on the road at speeds which would make Usain Bolt blush.They are primarily responsible for 90% of the explicits you shout at the road and 100% of your Mom’s “aaj kal ki generation…” lectures.

Well people that’s all for now.Auf Weidersehen!

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Top 5 Weirdos Aboard A Mumbai Local

Hey people this is the sixth post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis due to a great response,this will be a regular series . Here’s the last post of the series(LINK).Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series

If you are from Mumbai(No Thane is not in Mumbai but for this post, yeah whatever), you must have traveled on those ultra modern trains which zip from one end of the city to the other without the nonsense of being traffucked on the road. Well this is the description we give to our friends who are non-Mumbaikars. Here’s a scoop on the inside tale, as I state the description of the top 5 weird idiots I found on a Mumbai Local

1. The kewl uncle

He’s that middle aged guy with a lot of hair who owns a high end smart phone and a huge tablet which he whips out even on a jam-packed Virar fast to play Subway Surfers. Never mind the fact that he sucks at it. In all probability, he’ll definitely be Gujju, with flashy formals who “oohs” and “aahs” at every jump

2.The kewl kid


Now this is the chutiya who’ll be wearing fake Beats Audio Headphones, the size of Khali’s head. Mostly in either a Che Guevara t-shirt or some cheesy pathetic lines like “I’m a stud. Problem?” They’ll play some downright disastrous music and/or talk to their friends over the phone, abusing in mostly Marathi

3.The newspaper uncle

Now this is that one guy who carries newspapers. Tons of newspapers. He’ll probably be a person who boards from Virar,Churchgate or Borivali. He’ll carry even vernacular newspapers, just to hold his title of “Newspaper man” even though he can’t read them. If you’re lucky enough that the person is carrying a sensible newspaper with content in a language you understand (No, Mumbai Mirror doesn’t count), you can try sneaking in a few peaks but be prepared for some dirty looks

4.The virgin

Every day, every hour, every train has a person who’s losing his train virginity. He’ll awkwardly paw about the compartment before he prematurely ejaculates from the compartment onto a station he never intended to get down at. These people can be recognised by their appalled expressions on climbing a Virar Fast at 6.13 PM and some extremely stupid questions like “Andheri ke baad kaunse station hai?” Or “Charni Road kis side aata hai?” Or “This seat is meant for 3 people.Char already baithen hain.WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY ADJUST?” .Oh I completely forgot the classic case where they fall asleep and wake up in exotic new lands which they haven’t even heard of like “Daisar”
5.The survivors of Corporate War
Now these are those smartasses who give the term corporate-whores a new spin altogether. They board the train as if they own it, conclude deals worth lakhs over phone calls with funny sounding Gujju accents( Try this for some entertainment- “Aye bhai!Hoon snakes par boliyo ne trann lakh” which translates to Hey Dude! I said 3 lakhs over snacks!)

They complain about the weird smells on the train. They complain about the people aboard the trains. They complain about the frequent pauses the train takes. But those idiots will never sell off that Rolex they wear to buy a car for travelling. Sigh
That’s all for now. If you liked it, so go mad with the sharing!

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Top 5 Myths About Writers Which Ain’t True

Hey people this is the fifth post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis. Here’s the last post of the series(LINK).Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series
As a writer (well sorta), I have often come across strange myths about the art of writing which make no sense whatsoever. For starters, no all of us don’t beg publishers to be kind. No, not all of us wear geek glasses. No, not all of us own typewriters.
So this week, we decided to take on the Top 5 myths about Writers which float the market but are as truthful as Lance Armstrong’s drug tests. Here we go

Everyone is a writer

Now that’s all bullshit. The market is flooded with tons of books by new authors or what I called “The Chetan Bhagat” effect. Screw 3 Mistakes, the biggest mistake of his life is that he started writing. Now everyone who can spell correctly fancies him/herself as a writer. Online, having a blog is the rage. At least we have the decency to call ourselves bloggers(but hey, we also call ourselves writers, but not exclusively).Anyway, the point remains that just like porn online and  50 Shades of Grey, the world is flooded with “writers”. Quick bit of advice. Writing 3 notes on Facebook and tagging your bestfriend ki chachi ke chachu ke bacche ki bhen doesn’t make one a writer

Writers are have exquisite grammar and a phenomenal vocabulary


Reality check. Just because we write, it doesn’t mean our vocabulary is excellent or our Grammar is impeccable. Why the hell do you think every acknowledgement note carries thanks Microsoft Word? Spell check on MS Word is amazing, fantastic, easy to use, dead helpful(okay don’t get me wrong, we’re just friends *blushes like the Hindi film hero who’s about to fall in love*). Trust me; we struggle with words as much as an average Chetan Bhagat. I still don’t remember if tomorrow is spelt with one r or two m(s). But I remember to scout for the red line under the word

All Bloggers are writers and all Writers are Bloggers

No and No. This is as absurd as calling Twillight a good book. One simply doesn’t say that. A person who writes a blog about food recipes is NOT a writer. Similarly, a writer of a newspaper column is not ipso facto a blogger. Fun piece of trivia though-George R.R. Martin, writer of the brilliant fantasy series “A Song of Ice and Fire” IS A BLOGGER. Why you ask? Well because he runs a blog.DUH


We sit all day in front of a laptop, typing away

We do not spend our day hunched over a computer or a laptop, typing away furiously to complete the latest draft, no sir. This isn’t 2005 anymore, grow up people. We own smart phones (well I own a Blackberry which I am not sure of categorising. Is it a phone or a sadistic person who disrupts each important chat with a clock that doesn’t look like one) or tablets. But most importantly, we have the pen and the paper. Ink is simply fabulous. Not to mention, it makes for some really messy stuff

We have read all the great masterpieces of history and can quote them at will
Now this is an interesting one. All writers will seemingly seem to be elite literalists or connoisseurs of Classical works. Truth is that most of them haven’t even read half of the quotes themselves. They rely on good ‘ol Google to get their stuff. So next time you read a writer who quotes Christopher Marlowe, don’t imagine an old fart who twirls his goatee while writing the piece. Imagine some random dude surfing Google, and you’ll have it.
That’s it folks, this is this week’s Saturday top 5. Share and spread the love!

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Top 5 Ways To Piss Off Grammar Nazis

Hey people this is the fourth post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis. Here’s the last post of the series(LINK).Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series
Each one of us has that friend who supposedly has impeccable grammatical skills and is colloquially known as the “Grammar Nazi” of your group. Now these ticks have always acted like savants and bugged you endlessly. I’m sure each one of you, on at least more than one occasion, has been interrupted mid-sentence because of a stupid grammar rule. OR you definitely have been thrown off topic when a serious chat message is responded to with a chiding for a missing comma.
Remember those Value Education lessons where we were taught to give back to society in the same terms it has given it to us. Well I say we take it one step forward and stick it back to these fanatics. We bring to you the top 5 ways to make a Grammar Nazi cringe and basically make their life living hell.
1. The “Their, There and They’re” rule

Okay so this one is an instant killer. Simply interchange these three similar sounding words and Grammar Nazis become as angry as a guy whose Xbox was just wrecked or as pissed as a girl when you ask her if Blair from Gossip Girl is a dude. For a better effect, use all 3 of them in a sentence, but just in the wrong places
Example- “There from Uttar Pradesh and they’re hometown is also their”
2. Later and Latter

I personally have used this one unwittingly and it works like a charm. Skip a “t” and it will hit a Grammar Nazi like scalding tea(I AM NOT GOING TO APOLOGISE FOR THIS SAD JOKE).  My draft reader probably has a template saved on her phone which reads “GUPTA! It’s latter and NOT later”. But this works only in isolation and overdoing this may not cause as much damage as intended. Although coupling this with the other methods can prove to be a game changer.
3.It’s its but its not it’s

Now this is a tricky one. It’s denotes it is or it has and maybe something else as well while its denotes possession. This sentence passed the grammar check of Microsoft Word so if any fanatic is reading this and losing their brains, good for me but please sue Bill Gates. To everyone else, imagine the trouble an average person would experience while reading the first sentence. Now make it grammatically null and you’ll have the remote control to a Grammar Nazi’s mental anguish. Use them in place of each other and you’ve struck gold!
4.Comma laga ke rakhna

Now this is a bit odd for the simple fact that it often backfires because a missing comma often results in a foot-in-mouth like situation or as I like to call it, an “Ass-Aram” moment. And yes I found this funny. Anyway, the absence of a comma can simply wreck havoc on a Grammar Nazi as he or she grabs their hair in frustration and search for some rat poison. Do the world a favour and send them a bottle beforehand.

5.tYpIn lyk dis

Unfortunately, a wide majority of today’s teenage society finds it kewl 2 tYp lyk dis cozzz itz kINdA hiP *Insert wink smiley, tongue out smiley, laugh smiley, smile smiley, big smile smiley and of course a LOL and a ROTFL*
This pisses off almost everyone, ranging from sane people to even people like Rahul Gandhi, whom I cannot refer to as insane as I fear a defamation case by the Agra mental asylum. Anyway, it does tick off Grammar savants as well because of the simple fact that this is not even proper language rather than a sentence which follows a proper grammatical structure.
So folks, this is all I have this week. To all Grammar Nazis, I love you guys and no offense meant*

*Hey all non-grammar Nazis, notice how I used offense in place of offence.That’s the secret sixth tip **DO EVIL LAUGH

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Top 5 Ways To Annoy A Flight Attendant

Hey people this is the third post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis. Here’s the second post of the series(LINK).Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series

Flight attendants are like little kids. They run around frantically smiling for no reason. You can force them to do what you want, and when you visit their family, they stand by the door to say “Thank you”. Anyway it is always easy for a flight attendant to piss you off(again a kid like trait). I mean how hard is it to bring me a cup of coffee with 2 spoons of sugar, low fat milk with just a dab of lemon enriched pistachio flavouring, heated for exactly 47 seconds. Till date those idiots mess up my in-flight coffee.

Moving on, as I sat on a two hour Mumbai Delhi flight, I came up with this list. A list of the top 5 things you can do to annoy that hot but bitchy air hostess!
1. Press the attendant button and say you were reaching for the light
Now this one is superb to use and easy to execute. All you’ve got to do is reach up for anyone of those weird looking buttons, but make sure you press the flight attendant button. You’ll know it’s correct when you hear a cross between a BEEP and a PING and the flight attendant runs towards you like Kajol ran towards SRK in DDLJ
2. Ask to see the cockpit

Nothing, absolutely nothing pisses off a flight attendant more than a grown ass person asking them to see the cockpit. Pester them with questions and requests and they are bound to crack. If you want, you can call them “Uncle” or “Aunty” (Remember the male is the uncle and the female is the aunty. Mixing them up can annoy them to a disastrous level) and ask with a puppy face!
3. Have a panic attack
This requires thodaacting skills to pull off. You can have a panic attack over anything. Start pointing randomly at things and scream “BOMB” or keep asking them if the left engine is working or if the right wing is functioning or not. Preferably do it in a loud voice with a shriek. Throw in some sobs and you’re golden!

4. Talk to them in your native language
Start blabbering in your native tounge at breakneck speed. A smart, efficient way to annoy anyone including flight attendants. Be loud, abrasive and brash. Nothing annoys people more than taro naam su che?  Or a Tujha Aai Cha!
5. Freebies
Whatever they bring to you, ask them if it is free. Water, chocolates, tissues, anything. And if it is free, keep asking them to get it more. Come on! You’re not a true Indian if you do not see freebies and grab them. I once drank 5 cups of coffee aboard a flight when they told me that it was free! The part that annoyed them was that I kept sending them back to get more. This works best if you have a seat in the middle rows!

So Amigos, with that we have come to the end of another “Saturday Top 5”.
On a very serious note, I would sincerely like your feedback on the entire series because the next post shall be the end of the pilot and I would not continue with this series unless people like it. With that said, Adios!

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