Top 5 Ways To Slyly Brag About Your New Mobile Phone

Hey people this is the second post of a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis. Here’s the first post of the series(LINK).Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series



Ever since Apple unleashed the touch screen based iPhone on this holier-than-thou world, cell phones have begun sprouting everywhere and anywhere. Useless quirky upgrades are the pick of the season as people flip phones faster than Severus Snape running from shampoo. If you didn’t get that reference, go die you Muggle!


Anyway. With new phones and re-iterated upgraded models of pre-launched mobiles hitting the market every day, we are faced with a huge dilemma; A dilemma which would only be understood by us and none of our ancestors. HOW THE HELL DO YOU SHOW OFF YOUR NEW PHONE TO THE WORLD?

See the problem is quite simple. All of us live to brag but all of us love to be modest about it as well. Although that is a lot like Grey’s Anatomy trying to be a sensible show, today we bring you the top 5 ways by which you can boast of how you just blew up your or your father’s hard earned 40K over a piece of plastic

1. Facebook status update

With the advent of mobile computing, Facebook has rolled out native apps for almost all devices. Now a rather nifty feature is that when you update a status using these apps, a tiny line beneath the status reads “via Facebook for an expensive piece of junk”. Now most people ignore it so I have devised a fail proof backup. Make the status update as if you lost a lifelong partner or a cute dog or all that crap chicks care about. If you’re a dude who can’t imagine such scenarios, imagine that you just lost your Playstation(God Forbid such travesty to happen on any soul, not even Kapil Sibal deserves this fate). Be as dramatic as you can, as drama always attracts eyeballs*.
*Pro Tip: Thrown in smileys. A lot of them

Here’s a sample status

“I’m so going to miss my Nokia 1100 😦  😥

Another one

DAMMIT MOM! WHY DID YOU GET ME AN IPHONE 5 >_<
2. Get your friends together for a photograph and shout out all the brilliant camera features

Now this is a slightly tricky one to pull off. Get the people you want to impress for a group photo. Now whenever they’re ready (you know when you start seeing those people make abnormal faces which they pass off as smiles), start rattling off your phone’s camera specs in a manner which seems relevant to the photo. Examples include “Oye!Ek second ruk I need to use Paranoma to capture the scene “ OR “Abbey light ki tension na kar, flash hai!
3. Bitch about the features and how annoying they are/their absence is(even if you don’t believe so)
To pull this off, you need three things:
A. Whiny voice
B. Acting skills
C. Ability to make up bullshit out of thin air
So in case you’re Justin Beiber or Miley Cyrus, this is perfect for you. All you have to do is whine about how a particular feature is messing with your life and is super annoying all the time OR how its absence destroys your everyday life. Maybe bitch about how the Lumia 920 doesn’t let you send music via Whatsapp OR how Android phones don’t let you make a group larger than 10 people!
4. Like/RT/+1 related pages

Invade your friend’s newsfeed on Facebook or timeline on Twitter with endless “likes”, “Retweets” “+1s” etc. Bombard them with such useless stuff. This fact stems from the proven knowledge that a human being is attracted to nonsense; just like USA is attracted to peace via war.
5. Go Gay with Multiple Picture Uploads!

Upload gazzilions of photographs! Of your phone’s box, the insides of your phone’s box, the useless 12th pass nut-bag who sold you the phone as the “Apple Genius”, that last 500 rupee note you handed before getting your phone, everything. Also, I have been given to understand that it’s a thing to click a picture of oneself in the mirror with a face that resembles a duck. Do that and make your phone prominent. Pronto response!
Well folks with that, we end today’s Saturday top 5,which I wrote on Friday but didn’t upload it because it is “Saturday top 5” and not “Friday top 5”.Do read the disclaimer before implementing these!

DISCLAIMER: The writer claims no responsibility to the damage done to the reader’s social life by following these ways. Any threat to the writer shall be treated with as much seriousness as North Korea’s nuclear weapons.

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Top 5 Ways To Ignore People On Whatsapp

Hey people I’ve decided to start a new weekly series called “Saturday Top 5”. I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis. Here’s the first post of the series.Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series

Top 5 Ways To Ignore People On Whatsapp

Whiny Stalker MemeWith the advent of smart phones, the communications industry has taken a weird turn. As much as customers love free chat services, their annoyance is nearly the same. Just think about it. How many BBM status messages have sparked off controversies? How many times has the privacy invading “Last Seen At” feature lead to World War 3 like situations among friends, best friends, stalkers and stalkees alike? The option to ignore is nearly dead and it is in such desperate times, I sat down and devised a list of top 5 ways to ignore people on Whatsapp:

1. Shift to Viber or WeChat

Before you dismiss me as a sponsored reviewer, let me just add that these services are damn mediocre and as I typed this article on a Blackberry, please understand and sympathize when I say “GO BBM!”
That being said, these services are free and have added animated stickers/emoticons as well. Add the lack of “last seen at” feature, and we have a decent deal

2. Tell everyone you meet that your Whatsapp app is malfunctioning

Well you can come up with a tragic story how you had a controversial moment with your parents when Whatsapp showed that you were online at 3 AM while you slept at 11. Okay even if this didn’t happen, it’s a pretty good alibi to feed to stalkers or annoying friends. How am I sure that this will work? Well it will because among all their many irritating qualities, one respectable and ironically creepy trait they posses is that he/she will always remember everything about you. So you can easily pawn off your high level of ignoring them on your proverbial “Stupid phone” and end it nicely with an “I REALLY NEED TO GET AN IPHONE”

3. Stay online all the time

This is something I recommend for people with really amazing phones. The ones with those glossy 1.6576347537 GHZ processors and stuff. Just leave Whatsapp on forever and leave it at that. You’ll be online 24/7(even when you take that long dump after last night’s Chole Bhature).Sure you’ll lose battery faster than Sreesanth saying Yes to bowl a no ball for an ice-cream and yes, your internet bill will give your parents a small cardiac arrest, but on the plus side, you can freely ignore people without a single drop of sweat!

4. Be sad when confronted

Meme about capital lettersOkay this one really pans out for the sentiones. When someone gets angry over you ignoring them on Whatsapp(NOTE: Signs include capitalization of words and usage of the angry face smiley, not talking smiley and other 13 year old teen anger stuff), all you have to do is invent a problem and you’re golden. You can even pretend that you were crying or were nursing a friend’s heartbreak or any other nonsense. I know it sounds on the border of narcissism but it does work. Try being whiny as well. Nothing turns away clingy people better than whining. Well that is if we don’t include “Don’t shower for a week and giving them a hug after three hours of sweaty workout”
5. Karela Law them

Now let’s set a landmark moment in history. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the biggest thing to happen this millennia after the death of George Carlin (check him out if you haven’t. A true genius), the KARELA LAW. Well the law, in all its elegance is inspired from Barney’s Lemon Law and reads as

“Ignorance or feigning of the afore mentioned emotion on chat services with regard to messages or any communication attempts by a person with another person shall be deemed socially acceptable with the simple mention of the Karela Law. Any arguments, fights, break-ups or other violence* inducing activities shall not gain basis in Karela Law situations”

*violence includes mental, physical, spiritual and all other kind of things Hitler would do. Or Gandhi won’t. Take your pick

Why the name Karela Law you ask? Well it had to be named analogous to the Lemon Law so I decided on Karela. For heaven’s sake, it’s irritatingly bitter
Okay folks, got to run now, I need to update my Whatsapp status to “Writing a blog post” because the Apocalypse will hit the world if I don’t tell my contact list that I am writing a blog post and the world will collapse.

Tired.Just Tired

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